Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Randomize
