I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
