after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
