I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
