I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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