i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Sacagawea was the original milf.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
