If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
