I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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