Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
