connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
