i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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