dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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