Having a random hookup so left but love u
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
