you didnt know i had herpes?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
