You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
