the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
