Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I see more hoeing in ur future
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
