i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
