My Higher Power is John Stamos
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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