i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
