Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize
