i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
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