I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
