I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
