The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
