I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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