You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
