Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
