I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
