i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
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