1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
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