If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
