We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
