me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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