dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
