dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Randomize
