My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
