i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
