the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
