A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
