I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
