He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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