I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
My vagina is very pro this idea
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
