five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
