Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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