sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
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