3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
