how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
