the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize