I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
