So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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