Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
