If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
