oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
