Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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