I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
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