Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
