So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
