I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
There are leaves in my underwear?
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