If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
She has the best kind of daddy issues
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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