it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
