Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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